Contentment

Sometimes we have realizations that glow thru the fog in our minds. A crack of light...of understand and appreciation. I am thankful for those. It helps me to refocus, to bring back what is truly important and worth while. Then I can let go of whatever I've been carrying and breath again...



I can feel the positivity rolling in, the happiness and hope coming back...Even if the clouds are grey and its pouring rain, I can have sunshine inside...especially when I see the smile on my child's face and hear the laughter fill my house. I can see and appreciate the beauty and the joy in those drops of rain, in the feel of the wind against my cheek cause I'm alive and because I can...




I can marvel at the colors and sounds of nature. They hold wonder and promise and when I hike to the top of the hill I can give thanks for being able to do and see these things. We see so little these days, are so busy with life and trudging thru each and every day! We are missing what is most important--the miracle and joy that is this earth, that is creation. As tiny as the toadstool on the path in the forest and as vast as the great Pacific Ocean...



I want to see all of it, hear it, smell it and taste it. I want my children to feel in awe of the people and the beauty we have here...to appreciate it and treasure it always. That is what I want to leave them with...

Halloween Part 2

Closer look at the amazing gown Katy wore. It really, really, really, looks fit for a wedding! Complete with beads and sequins and everything!




Davis was absolutely adorable as Donald Duck (although given that daddy Andy was away watching the Ducks VS Cal game in California, we expected his colors to be a bit different!). He even has the stature to actually look like Donald. Friggin cute!!




This is part of the Halloween annual tradition that I love. We have a chili fest (each household contributes--mine was an amazing Veggie chili that I will post recipe for!) and we have wine...lots and lots of wine, plus music and a bonfire. This is my good bud Lisabeth and her dad who has joined us again this year. Now this man knows wine and I can't wait for Thanksgiving to sample his choices.





Just a street down from us is a guy who has outdone himself in decorations every year for about the last 3 years. If you can believe it---he built a boat, yes, a boat...complete with mast, dead pirate, wheel and deck. He put up a projection screen and had Pirates of the Caribbean playing the whole night long! It was spectacular! Lindzay, being the Johnny Depp/Jack Sparrow sheriff, walked up to him...flashed her Jack tat and told him that he'd not gone thru the right channels and receive proper authorization from her to display Jack Sparrow and she'd have to confiscate his wheel!! What a goof! But really, this was amazing!!





Lastly, my Sumo Cheeseburger head son, Bryson. We came back from trick or treating and saw him dressed in this hilarious outfit! He scared Davis and Katy wasn't too keen on his outfit either. It was hilarious to watch him deflate this thing every time he tried to sit in a chair. It was a bit dicey when he got near the fire as well...I thought he was going to go up in flames on a few occasions.
So, Halloween on Essex Court in 08 was another hit...can't wait for 09!

Halloween 08

My front porch this Halloween. It was fun putting up the webbing and making it look realistic. I even added the spiders and rats!



Our sac kids. We had troopers, cats, pirates, Wall-E and I'm not really sure what Deza was! But she looks pretty scary.




Completed Wall-E. Callan lent Tici his black hoodie and with the goggles, she looked awesome.
We found out it was a bit hazardous for her to see- especially stairs and the box was so large she got blocked in when other kids crowded onto the porches, but Alex was great at making sure she didn't fall and helping her to maneuver around.



Deza's mask was a bit much for the younger kids, so she didn't wear it after the pics. Lindzay was a lady bug (the first year she wasn't something Johnny Depp related and actually dressed like a female) and looked so cute! She was going to the rave later and thought she needed to look more feminine. And my Wall-E...ready to GO GET SOME CANDY! Are we leaving yet? Are we leaving yet? Are we leaving yet?????



Deza, Tici and Lindzay in back. Katy (wearing a gown fit for a wedding and with a pricetag to match...right Andy!!), Callan doing the finger boogie to the music set up near the chili tent. Trying to get him to hold still was a bit difficult. Finally there's Alex who is looking at Callan like he's crazy! Fun, fun, fun....

Creating Wall-E

OK, my 7 yr old has had her share of awesome Halloween ideas, but this year I believe she maxed me out. She loved the movie Wall-E and has wanted to be Wall-E for Halloween since seeing it. So being the good mom, I'll indulge my beautiful baby and create a Wall-E costume. I knew I was going to need a box for the body and I figured another couple little boxes to go over her feet, some empty toilet paper rolls stuck on a hat for the eyes and voila...that'd be it!

NOT!! Believe me when I say that this costume took over 22 hours to make and would not have been done without the help of a friend who is a detail oriented fanatic (sorry Mike!) and a carpenter.

In the above picture is the goggles painted white and covered and doused with hot glue to make the black cardboard wrap around it and hold. Its not quite finished in the pic, but we glue plastic circles around the clear circles in the lens to look like the binoculars he has as eyes in the movie.

The black tracks were make of cardboard and the gears are pressed cardboard containers hot glued to a cardboard surface. 1/4 strips of cardboard were cut and hot glued around the outside to resemble the rubber track.




The box itself is painted yellow the exterior house paint (it rains here after all!) and spray painted with rust colored primer to look old. I used dryer venting for the arms and some velcro monitering belts for shoulder harnesses glued inside the box to help with the weight of it. But it is still pretty heavy.



This is the front with an opening cut into it so she can push out her candy box when she goes to each house. The tracks are bolted, yes, bolted to the sides.





Here I've finished the painting on the front. Cory did the computer LCD screen for me (thank you, thank you!!) and then Mike glued and sewed the oven mitts to the dryer venting and to the box so they wouldnt move.



The finished product is a hit with Tici. She loves it and I'm thinking all the late nights and expense were worth it to see her face light up and hear from the neighborhood kids how "cool" and "awesome" Wall-E looks. But next year, she's wearing a dress!

Ill

I have a very good friend who's been ill lately. I mean really sick. Sick to the point of not being able to get out of bed. Funny how illness can be a gift. Because of this severe illness, he was forced to go to the Dr. He rarely goes to the Dr. They saw how sick he was and ordered lab tests. The results were not good. Besides a white blood cell count that was off the charts, his cholesterol is in the high 200s. Really not good. He is 43 yrs old and at risk of sudden death because of changes in his body that he cannot see. When the Dr. spelled out those risks, he had a true wake up call.

Later he talked to his mom. He has a family history of high cholesterol and heart disease and his grandfather died from heart disease. He is not overweight, does exercise, but needs dietary modification. I think he need medication.

I decided I'd stop in to see him last night, with the news heavy on my mind, and the antibiotics restoring him more to his old self. What if he suddenly wasn't here? How would that loss impact me? My kids? His family? We'd had our share of ups and downs, but when you got right to the heart of the questions-do you care about him, would you miss him if the worst happened, do the petty disagreements and behavioral insecurities really mean more than caring for another human being who just wants to love and be loved--I was a bit shaken to realize that Yes, I do really care for him. I would miss him if he was taken suddenly. Petty disagreements and insecurities are things that can be forgiven when you work at compromise and not taking things like yourself, so seriously.

So, we had a very nice time. We talked. He was caring and affectionate, just like always. Overlooked my protective emotional distance, just like always. Talked about his job, his lifestyle changes he must make. About wanting to go skiing this winter and missing company for the holidays...I told him take one thing at a time...missing him a bit is good.

Random

Feelings and thoughts can really be a curse. I've been alone with my thoughts and feelings for a few months, trying to "get to know me" to "figure myself out". Its a big chore. I have come to the conclusion that I'm really messed up! My thoughts can run from happiness at having my alone time, boredom with sitting there absorbed in these thoughts, frustration with trying to figure them out and in so doing, figure out what I'm Supposed to DO! Then I seek some connection and entertainment so hit the FB page...then I'm dumb enough to feel jealousy or inadequate cause some guy "friends" have 100 other "girl" friends which triggers feelings of anger for being so dumb and naive to actually think that me, one of 100 could make a difference in the life of some guy "friend" who lives half a country, or a whole country away!! Ridiculous! Always the knife of not enough...not pretty enough, not smart enough, not sexy enough, not enough to keep a husband happy and a marriage going....never enough....

When that realization hits me I start to put up the dumb shields and walls and decide that I'm OK just how I am and no man has anything on me and to hell with all of them...blah, blah, blah! What a crock and a royal waste of time! Screwed up! thats what that is! Cause then my little girl will do something, like forget her jeans, i mean ALL 6 pairs of her jeans, at her dad's apartment on the day that we are having family pics done and I, (cause I've lost my friggin mind and need some excuse to vent and be an ass!)lose it! Start lecturing my dear 7yr old daughter about how irresponsible and disrespectful it is to continually take clothes I've bought her and leave them at her dads. Then when we need them for something specific, like family pictures, I have to take extra time and effort to drive over there and wait for her in the car while she goes thru all the clothes to find them (I can't go help her and take what I want her to wear- its HIS place). Never mind how irresponsible and disrespectful this whole dumb lecture is in the first place! She's in tears cause she's heard me say how I think she cares more for her dad than for me...when in fact I've not really said that...I think... but after the crazy rant, I'm not really sure what I've said (I have, in fact been forgetting a few things lately, like leaving the tin foil in the fridge and the milk in the pantry!). So she feels like she's betrayed me somehow, heads downstairs in tears, while I start to rehang clothes up in her closet and my 12 yr old says she'll bike to her dad's and bring back the jeans (more to get out of the house, I think...who can blame
her)! I stand in their bedroom marvelling at how easily I can get angry and think back to what the heck started all of it...my own feelings and thoughts of being insignificant, unworthy, unloved... great gift to pass on to my girls...

Sundried Tomatoes

I love everything European. French in particular. And nothing says "South of France" like sundried tomatoes. Thanks to inspiration from Alton Brown I've been making my own oven-dried "Sundried" tomatoes all summer.



First you need the basic ingredient- garden fresh tomatoes! I am lucky that my tomatoes have been awesome this year. So I am very glad to continue to use them for another week or two. Harvest what you can, or buy from the farmer's market. It doesn't matter the kind or the size, use whatever you have.



Turn on oven to 170 degrees. Clean them and slice into 1/4 inch thick pieces. If using cherry tomatoes or little romas just cut in half. Place on a cookie sheet and have the edges touching. Really pack them together cause they will really shrink. Sprinkle with kosher salt and spices of your choice (I use dried italian seasoning right now, but I have also harvested, cleaned and finely chopped my own basil, oregano, rosemary and parsley which are great!). Then sprinkle liberally with olive oil and a very light sprinkle of sugar over the top (helps make a nice glaze on the top).




See how packed together they are? And aren't they beautiful! Now place in the oven for a minimum of 8 hours. I prepare mine and put them in overnight. I wake up to a glorious aroma permeating my house!



And voila! Finished product. All glistening and crispy. The intensity of the flavor is wonderful. I have them on a bagel with cream cheese in the am and add them to sandwiches, or even pop a few for a snack (what my kids love to do with them). In a glass or plastic container, place the little gems and drizzle a light coating of olive oil over top. Keeps them from drying out in the fridge. Cover with plastic wrap and they'll keep for 4-6 weeks. They can be frozen, but mine never last longer than 4-5 days! Enjoy!

Ms. V

On a lighter note, another book I'm working on with a bit more humor...

I looked up from my position in front of the flower bed. That damn dog was barking again. Would they do something about it this time or will I, again, spend my afternoon fighting down the feeling of annoyance? This is not the county! Animals should not be left outside all day barking and carrying on. He's losing "Good Neighbor" points by the dozen! I grab my hand hoe and scrape a little harder at the ground in front of me. Why do I allow this to get to me? I wonder. Cause I have a dog and HE isn't outside being a pain to the entire neighborhood! So what if I'm the only neighbor home! He should be more respectful!

Oh damn! I just dug out the entire petunia having been so wrapped up in my self-righteous mantra! A little chuckle escaped me, "see V, that'll teach you to be so high and mighty and not pay attention!" I scolded myself. Argg! Ok, ok, three deep breaths, let the feeling pass. I sat back on my heels, breathed in deeply, (damn dog is STILL barking!...) out with the bad thoughts...breath in..."My God that Jasmine smells wonderful"...I feel myself starting to relax...Out goes the bad...("Inconsiderate boob--leaves an animal out all day...")...Breathe in...and ....there...I feel better, can't even hear the bloody dog anymore! I open my eyes at the same time I hear him call out,

"Jack, NO!"

I spin on my heel, thinking I'm about to be accosted by a large, black lab, but no. There he is, taking a shit on my lawn, right before my eyes!

"Adam!" I yell. "Get your dog AND his shit off my lawn! I can't believe this!"

Adam rushes over. He looks afraid of what I might do to his dog, with the wild look of shock and rage so evident on my red face and my arms flayling wildly in Jack's direction.

"This is NOT OK, Adam. I've had enough of your animal using my yard as his toilet! I've had it!" I stammer.

" I know, Ms. V. I'm so sorry. Jack got away from me when I was in the backyard. I guess I left the gate open." he said as he bent to pick up the dog mess with a baggie.

" Adam, its not just THAT! Although THAT is certainly enough," I said pointing to the evidence, "Its all of it! Leaving that animal outside all day to bark and bark incessantly, to let him run loose in the cul-de-sac while you and Lacy are inside the house and he uses everyone's front yard as his bathroom! Look at those Boxwoods, Adam," I pointed to the bushes between Adam and Randy's yard. " Those Boxwoods are dying because of the urine left by Jack. They were healthy and lovely before and now Randy has to have all of them torn out and replaced. Is that an OK thing, Adam? Does Randy deserve that expense because you can't be bothered to control your animal or have enough respect to keep him on a leash so he CAN'T defile other people's yards? Its just not what good neighbors do, Adam! And you're a policeman for heaven sakes! You should know better."

Adam was angry, I could tell. Maybe I went too far, but I had to say my peace.

" You're right Ms. V. It isn't what a good neighbor would do. I will talk to Randy about the bushes and will do my best to keep Jack off the lawns. But he likes being outside, and I'd feel bad keeping him locked up inside all day."

" Then make some arrangements for a dog sitter or take him to one of those doggie daycare things, or something. I don't know. I just know that 10 hours of barking incessantly every day is inhumane...for the neighbors! Fix it Adam!"

With that I turned to get back to my flowers. There--I'd said my peace and lived through it!

Now to replant the petunia. Ahhh, what pleasure I get from my flower gardens! Pulling weeds, dead heading and cleaning up spent growth, watching a seed or bulb become something beautiful...it calms and delights me. And right now I need some calm and delight! I planted the two jasmine plants on each side of my porch earlier this spring. Now, in mid-May, they are letting off a heady fragrance that gets thicker as the air warms up. The small white blossoms burst forth spreading their gloriously sweet scent onto the wind like violins playing a solo. Sometimes soft and light, sometimes strong and thick, but always a pleasant surprise. I'd found some beautifully unusual pansies this spring as well. One set, a jewelled tone purple with wrinkled petals and a yellow center. Another set has faint lavender petals with deep violet centers and sunshine yellow edges. My favorite is a burgundy velvet with slight white along the edges and a vibrant yellow center.

" Ahhh, the beauty that is nature!" I thought with a smile. So lost in my admiration was I, that I didn't hear the car drive up. The slamming of the car door startled me so much that I lost my balance and pitched forward, nose first into the azalea bush.

"Gram! Are you OK?" Enquired my granddaughter, as she ran towards me.

" Yes, dear. I'm fine." I sputtered. " Just needed a closer look at the flower dear, that's all!"
I stood up and pulled her close and squeezed. She smelled clean and fresh, just like her name...Rayne. My pride and joy!

What possessed my daughter to pick the names she did for my granddaughter, I'll never know, but it has been both a source of pride for its originality and embarrassment for its quirkiness throughout her life. Try introducing yourself in grade school as Rayne Bo Brighten! Even some of the teachers got a chuckle out of it...poor girl!

"How are you, Gram?"

" I'm fine my darling. Just fine. Come, sit up on the porch and tell me all about school and such."

We linked arms and walked up to the porch. We sat opposite each other and I poured her a glass of sun tea.

" So your mom tells me you've made a decision about school. That you decided to go local. Which works out very well for me, I'll have you know!" I smiled at her.

" Oh Gram..." She smiled. " Yes, I'm going to stay here an go to U of P. Their drama program is very good and I can continue to act with the Community Arts Partnership while I study."

" So you are going to make the theatre your life, huh? Are you sure about this? Maybe you should minor in something else--law or engineering or something!" I stated, only half joking. Theatre was hard work and even harder to actually make a living at.

" Gram! Very nice push for a " realistic occupation" Rayne laughed.

" I'm just concerned, Rayne. You know, the whole starving artist syndrome. I don't want you to have to worry about money or paying your bills."

" I'll be fine, Gram. I don't need much and you and mom have taught me well about saving and planning for the rainy day. Besides, the Community Arts Center director has talked to me about a salaried position there so I'll have an income while I'm going to school and a position full-time when I get my degree. I love being a part of the theatre and I will be concentrating on directing and production, as well as acting! So, I have all my bases covered. Really Gram, I'll be OK."

" I know this is a true love of yours, Rayne. Has been since you were born. Always wanting to be center stage right from the beginning!"

Rayne smiled at the reference. She arrived 10 weeks premature inspite of the numerous methods used to attempt to delay her entry. Stubborn little bella! My daughter swore she decided to come that day simply because the doctors told her they'd been successful in stopping her preterm labor. Lindsay said the baby came just to show off! Maybe she was right, as I gave a sideways glance to the miracle across from me.

Rayne was showing off and showing them up at every turn. She delivered at 30 weeks, she cried on her own and didn't need help breathing. Her course in the NICU was rather unremarkable, not one setback, which in itself is a wag of the finger to fate. She ate, she gained weight and she came home after only a five week stay. She astounded us all. My daughter predicted she'd be a star...she was mine, that much is true.Even as a small child Rayne loved to perform. She took dance lessons and sang in the Children's church choir. She has a lovely soprano voice and she did her first solo at age 4 during the Christmas Pageant. That was also her first introduction to acting and she's been in love with it ever since.

She averages three plays per year, and graduated from amateur school productions to the semi-professional productions at age eleven. She's been acting professionally, meaning "getting paid", since she was fifteen years old. She's done everything from Shakespeare to stand up comedy and improv and everything in between. I guess picking the Dramatic Arts isn't any surprise. I guess I just wanted her to pick a profession with good paying prospects. But that would be my dream, not hers. Rayne has her own dreams to create and to fulfill, and now she's on the road to doing just that.

The Signature

This is an exerpt from a manuscript I'm working on, hope you like it:

The pen shook in my hand. Shook so violently that I nearly lost my grip entirely and I fumbled to stop from dropping it on the desk. I hoped my attorney and his assistant didn't notice. I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly to calm myself. Then, with my grip recovered and maintained, I poised the black tip on the dark signature line and slowly signed my name to the document.

Final. Over. Done. With the swipe of a Bic, black, fine point pen, 19 years of marriage dissolve and end. Making the life we had shared nothing but a bitter memory. Over, with the signing of my name...just like it had begun.

I finished the line, took another deep breath, let it out and looked up at my attorney. My eyes were dry, yet inside I was broken into a thousand pieces...defeated.

" Is that all?" I quietly ask him.

" Yes, thats all. I'll file it with the courts this afternoon. The judge should sign it and make it final within a couple of weeks at the most." He paused looking up at me. Although not what I'd call an attractive man, he had warm, kind eyes that were fixed on mine." I know this wasn't easy for you and I'm sorry you had to go through it. But, after dealing with your husband over these last several months, I honestly can't understand why you put up with him as long as you did." He smiled.

" Thank you. " I muttered, trying without much luck to offer a smile back. Little did he know I would have put up with it forever...thats how deeply I loved him and believed in our family. So, I pushed the chair away from the table, grabbed my purse and stood up. I shook his hand and turned to leave.

" Oh, we'll mail you a copy of the final decree once it is signed."

I nodded my head, the room feeling suddenly too hot and closed in. I need air, I thought. I walked down the narrow hallway, quickening my pace as I made it past the ever smiling and cheerful secretary.

"Have a wonderful day!" she offered as I pushed the down button on the elevator.

My hand was beginning to shake again. Inside the elevator I felt the tear slide down my cheek. I hurriedly swiped it away and looked to the floor as more passengers boarded the elevator. Damn! Why was their office on the ninth floor? I prayed that no one would notice me as I shrunk further to the back as the elevator while even more people boarded. Finally, after an eternity, the elevator stopped and everyone started disembarking.

I exited the elevator as another tear escaped my eye. My vision slightly blurred, I pushed my way out the heavy wooden door onto the busy, crowded street. I could feel the tremors starting and my shoulders were beginning to slump against the weight of the grief held captive inside of me. My stomache was knotted in one big wad of despair. I've got to get to my van before I completely lose it right here on the street corner!

I had three blocks to go to get to the parking garage. I forced one foot in front of the other, not really noticing the people or events going on around me, just following the crowd down Market Street. I was in a fog, yet completely aware of the tight rein I was keeping on my emotions. Please, I prayed with each step forward, do not let me crumble into a jelly-like mass of tears and snot on this sidewalk...please!

I rounded the corner onto Thomas Street and stepped into the parking garage. I took the stairs two at a time, the tears finally spilling over as I reached the top of the third floor. I heard the sob escape my lips, fumbled in my purse for my keys and said another silent prayer of thanks for keyless entry systems cause there is no way I could see to put the darn key in the door lock, tears pouring uncontollably down my cheeks now. I sprinted the last few yards, opened the door and threw myself into the driver's seat.

There, the trembling, the sobs, the grief broke free of their restraints and I was consumed. I had no choice, no longer any power over what my body needed to do....to weep, to yell, to curse, to pray, to question why this was happening? I had no answers, I simply rode the tide...until there was nothing left... just the stark black and white vision of my signature written on that page.

A Great Book

I just finished reading Eat Pray Love and found it to be one of the most real and inspiring books I've read in a long time. It is filled with real, honestly described emotions and true, heartfelt, non-judgemental self evaluation. It appealed to me because I have been on a journey of self discovery and understanding for awhile now and only wish I was able to copy what she was able to do...to leave the real world for a year on a quest of self healing and self discovery.

I've earmarked many quotes and list here a few that particularily touched me:

"If you really want to STOP knowing someone, you have to divorce him."
--how true! The man I thought I knew for 20+ yrs quickly became a complete stranger to me in the whole divorce process!

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experiene. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

We all get lonely...but most of us will do anything to stiffle that feeling, to get away from it...even use someone else for our own short term needs. Buddhist teachings and meditation have helped me to be able to be able to stay with the feelings I am experiencing. I am learning to acknowledge the feelings, stay with them and avoid reaction. Its incredibly difficult to do!!

"Devotion is diligence without assurance. Faith is acceptance and embracement of what we are presently incapable of understanding. Divinity is a mighty jump from the rational to the inknowable."

...without these, how could we cope with the darkness that is so prevailent in our society??

"But there was something mildly thrilling for me about realizing that in my 34 yrs on earth I have NEVER not slapped at a mosquito when it was biting me. I've been a puppet to this and to millions of other small and large signals of pain or pleasure thru out my life. Whenever something happens, I ALWAYS react. But here I was-disregarding the reflex. A small thing, granted, but how often do I get to say that? And what will I be able to do tomorrow that I cannot yet do today? I counted about 20 mosquito bites. But within a half an hour, all the bites had diminished. It all goes away. Eventually, everything goes away."

I am a reactionary person. Something angers me, I react. Something appears unjust, I react. Something makes me happy, I react. The hardest lesson and the one I am working on the most is reactionism. Having to think...is this thing, situation, person that so pisses me off REALLY worth all this?? Is this going to make a difference in my life today, tomorrow and 5 yrs from now? Is the position I take now going to help me/my family or hurt us? Will this really matter?
Sometimes the BEST thing to do is to laugh and just let it go....

"Destiny, I feel, is also a relationship-a play between divine grace and willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over; half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consequence. We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses--one foot is on the horse called "fate", the other on the horse called "free will". Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?"

We have so little control over what happens in our lives and in this world. We true only have control over 1 thing...our choices. We don't have control over our children, our spouses or partners, our jobs, our surroundings. This was a very, very difficult lesson for me to learn. I always felt I was in control of everything. My kids, my marriage, my friends, my life!! That one blew up in my face. My kids have their own minds. I can steer them in the right direction, especially when they are little, but as they grow up, they must choose for themselves. I am not in control, nor am I responsible for, any of their choices. I cannot MAKE my now ex-husband straighten up and fly right and realize the "wrongness" of choosing divorce over counselling and working on rebuilding our relationship and rebuilding our family (and today, I wouldn't want that decision either). I can't make my friend see that her choice isn't a good one...she must live out the consequences of that choice. All I CAN do is be here, love her and help pick up the pieces when things fall apart.... just like she did for me.

Every decision we make and act that we take has a ripple effect on everyone around us and their choices create a history and ripple through everyone around them...we think we can predict events and outcomes cause we think we know someone else SO well!!! Well, let me tell ya...from knowing someone SOOO well, it ain't so! They will do something you NEVER, EVER expected and your life and everyone's around you will be changed forever... The prospect of "being in control" is frankly---an illusion.

Read the book...it will change your life.

To OSU!!

Today marks a milestone in my daughter's life...she's off to college. Time to live on her own (just far enough to feel like she's independent, but close enough for mom to come help if its needed), start making her own decisions and running her own life!! I struggle with emotions today, but not with the emotion of sadness so much as the emotions of happiness and pride for her. SHE did this!! SHE worked her butt off for 18 yrs to make it to where she is today and I can't be prouder of her and that accomplishment. My daughter is a superstar! She is smart, she is talented, she is strong and capable and has a drive to succeed that will take her places and change the people she meets and those she calls "friends". I'm excited about where her education will take her--I'm excited about all the opportunities available to her at OSU (I wanna go too!!! The fitness center ROCKS!) and I am thrilled for this step to adulthood for her.



Deza, Tici and I drove her to OSU and my daughter picked the 6th floor in the dorm for her room!! The 6th and highest floor! We carted most of the things up those 6 flights of stairs and My God! running down those stairs felt like a fair ride. We were almost nauseous from being so dizzy when we finally reached the bottom...OK, I really WAS nauseous.



All the rooms were papered with the kids' names and a sheet for them to fill out giving a bit of information about each of them. We passes several kids arranging their rooms in various ways, but we arrived a bit late to get any loft kits. The kits allow you to disassemble your bed and raise it up so you can either slide your roommate's bed underneath it or slide your desk under so you have more room. Lindzay will go in the am and get one to re-arrange her bed.









Tici is trying to jump up on the bed...she can't quite make it cause its too high.




View out the bedroom window...



First load of stuff is in...Where are we going to put it all???



The armour holds a surprising amount of stuff! Good thing cause she brought a lot!!



Here is a parting picture of Lindzay in front of the McNary Hall. She is going to LOVE it here!!

My Crying Fairy....

I've been searching for awhile for another tattoo design and I found it the day I went to watch V get hers. The picture I saw was of a crying fairy who looked very much like a little girl. She was sitting with her bowed head resting on her arms holding a long sword. This image appealed to me on many levels, but I needed to change it to something older, more 'weathered' and a bit more tragic. I wanted her sitting on something...a toadstool or a leaf...I choose the autumn leaf...its aged, browning and its edges curling under, but still enough life in it to be green near the veins. I didn't want the butterfly perfect wings like on the original design...I wanted whispy, torn imperfect wings....symbolizing my whipsy, torn, tattered self, but with enough strength to weld the sword and enough softness and heart left in me to still feel regret...to still cry. I think she captured just what I wanted...



The outlining is done. She looks very beautiful just like this, but the color will enhance it and make it beautiful.


Initial shading is complete. The pain with the shading is warm and intense at times what with all the nerves being pinned with the needles at one time...but easy to tolerate and even enjoy...but after 2 hours I was ready to be finished!!



The color of the leaf is going to be very subtle. Its quite pronounced right now, but my lily white skin gets very red and the brown was put on quite thick since brown tends to be an ink that fades quickly. She chose an olive green tinge rather than a leaf green to go with the aged look.



And...she done. My leg is very red and it makes the pinky-purple wings look VERY red! This will calm down in 3-4 weeks and I will go back in for the silvery white touch up and the blood red drips on the sword. She colored her hair brownish-blond...like mine! Its an artistic impression of the trials in my life and how I've overcome many of them.....and I just love her!!

By The Seat of My Pants

Remove lid after about 5-8 mins and turn over the halibut. Cover again with lid.




While halibut is cooking, in another saucepan heat olive oil and butter. Saute onions and garlic together until onions are soft and translucent. Stir often so garlic doesn't scorch. Add mushrooms and cook just till soft. Add 1/3 of a bag (Costco bag) of fresh, precleaned spinach and stir every 15 sec or so. Spinach will cook very quickly and I don't like it over done. Remove from heat and it will continue to cook a bit while you plate up.



Doesn't this look pretty? And it was very quick to make (absolutely NO reason to buy fast food!) and the little tomatoes are even from my own garden.



This is a perfect, light and healthy meal! You could also substitute sole or snapper or any other light white fish, but I also think salmon and tuna would go well too.



I chose an Australian Chardonnay cause it goes well with the flavor of the halibut, but also with the somewhat bitter taste of the spinach. It went very well. A Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand (Brancott is my favorite Sauv Blanc) would also go very well.

And let me just say....it was fabulous!

By The Seat of My Pants

I enjoy cooking. I like to create dishes that are loaded with fresh ingredients, simple to prepare and have a European ring to them. What is frustrating for some of my friends and family, is that I cook like my grama--mostly without a recipe and go by the seat of my pants with what I add. So, I thought I'd try and photograph my ingredients and steps and make my really great finds easier for others to duplicate. This one is a great tasting, very quick prep fish dish.
First, I've cut up (and I do mean "I" cut up--I don't own a food processor, mandolin-though I'd love one--or anything...just a really sharp knife!) some chantrelles that I have lightly moistened and wiped dry with a paper towel. Tip: Never immerse mushrooms in water (unless you are using dried mushrooms) or they get yucky and soggy.




I have a whole vidalla onion and 2 cloves of garlic. I love garlic and use a lot of it. The onion will be sliced in 1/2 rings and saved for the next dish. The garlic will be chopped finely with a very sharp knife, not crushed.



I have added about 2 tbsp of olive oil and about 1/4 to 1/2 tsp of butter to a non-stick frying pan over medium-high heat.



In go the chopped garlic pieces



My chosen fish for this dish is a beautiful piece of halibut. I've seasoned it with kosher salt, black pepper, dill and lemon juice. Place in the garlic/butter/olive oil mixter and cover. Turn heat to medium.