Random

Feelings and thoughts can really be a curse. I've been alone with my thoughts and feelings for a few months, trying to "get to know me" to "figure myself out". Its a big chore. I have come to the conclusion that I'm really messed up! My thoughts can run from happiness at having my alone time, boredom with sitting there absorbed in these thoughts, frustration with trying to figure them out and in so doing, figure out what I'm Supposed to DO! Then I seek some connection and entertainment so hit the FB page...then I'm dumb enough to feel jealousy or inadequate cause some guy "friends" have 100 other "girl" friends which triggers feelings of anger for being so dumb and naive to actually think that me, one of 100 could make a difference in the life of some guy "friend" who lives half a country, or a whole country away!! Ridiculous! Always the knife of not enough...not pretty enough, not smart enough, not sexy enough, not enough to keep a husband happy and a marriage going....never enough....

When that realization hits me I start to put up the dumb shields and walls and decide that I'm OK just how I am and no man has anything on me and to hell with all of them...blah, blah, blah! What a crock and a royal waste of time! Screwed up! thats what that is! Cause then my little girl will do something, like forget her jeans, i mean ALL 6 pairs of her jeans, at her dad's apartment on the day that we are having family pics done and I, (cause I've lost my friggin mind and need some excuse to vent and be an ass!)lose it! Start lecturing my dear 7yr old daughter about how irresponsible and disrespectful it is to continually take clothes I've bought her and leave them at her dads. Then when we need them for something specific, like family pictures, I have to take extra time and effort to drive over there and wait for her in the car while she goes thru all the clothes to find them (I can't go help her and take what I want her to wear- its HIS place). Never mind how irresponsible and disrespectful this whole dumb lecture is in the first place! She's in tears cause she's heard me say how I think she cares more for her dad than for me...when in fact I've not really said that...I think... but after the crazy rant, I'm not really sure what I've said (I have, in fact been forgetting a few things lately, like leaving the tin foil in the fridge and the milk in the pantry!). So she feels like she's betrayed me somehow, heads downstairs in tears, while I start to rehang clothes up in her closet and my 12 yr old says she'll bike to her dad's and bring back the jeans (more to get out of the house, I think...who can blame
her)! I stand in their bedroom marvelling at how easily I can get angry and think back to what the heck started all of it...my own feelings and thoughts of being insignificant, unworthy, unloved... great gift to pass on to my girls...