Old Friends

Sometimes that blue sky peaks between the rain clouds when you least expect it. Then suddenly, you are starring a gift horse in the mouth and the sun is shining all over the place! My blue sky thru the rain clouds came in the form of an old friend. Someone I'd thought about occasionally, but never made any effort to contact for over 30 years. We were best friends in early grade school, shared a lot of common interests and an unfortunately common, dysfunctional home life. We were together every day for years and I remember crying so hard when he left I felt I would die...like a part of me had been physically removed. I'd never experienced a loss like it before and I hoped never to feel that again.

There was so much about him that I remember missing...his quiet acceptance of me--in any mood, in any circumstance, at any time, it didn't matter. His eyes were kind and soft and always admiring and supportive. The easy way we laughed together, at nothing in particular even, just being there together...laughing. Sharing an ice cream when the ice cream truck stopped on our street. Playing tag with the rest of the neighborhood kids at nighttime--he'd always let me find him first. How we could just sit and talk, or not talk, for hours...he was truly my best friend.




And now, thru some miraculous twist of fate, he's suddenly reappeared! At a time in my life when I've been searching to find out who I really am and what I really want, there he is! The boy I viewed as my one constant,(a mountain of stability, of compassion and caring, of real acceptance and trust) as a young girl who knew nothing but instability and unpredicability, has found his way back into my life as the wonderful man I knew he would become. What a joy to reconnect with him! To get reacquainted and to see that he hasn't really changed much from the young boy I adored...just a bit taller, more wrinkles, wiser. He is still compassionate, caring, open and accepting, non-judgemental and trusting. The only thing between us is distance, which we will bridge soon, and I will get to look into the eyes of this wonderful man and glimpse the boy he was and we will pick up where we left off...talking and laughing about everything, or nothing and just feeling safe and accepted...as we are...flawed and imperfect alone...but perfect together.

The Door Closes...but a Window is Opened

I marvel at the humor fate has...or is it God? I don't know the answer to that. But I do think that everything that happens to us, does so for a reason. A lesson we must learn, an experience we must have, a feeling we need to get in touch with again.

Six weeks ago, I was feeling hurt and confused. Angry at my stupidity and my vulnerability, ashamed of trusting someone too quickly. Weary of the battle to be someone I'm not...

So, I immerse myself in reading. Learning how to correct the mistakes I made. Searching for the secret to being happy and finding the right partner. Suddenly one night on the way home from work I tune the radio to 105.1. Its that stupid talk show with that chick who talks about loser men all the time, but something made me actually listen for a change. It brought me to the book "Choosing Me before We" by Christina Arylo. My answer slapped me right in the face...you need to love YOU before you can find and love HIM.

It was like a window to my soul had been opened and the fresh air was finally flooding in! I ordered that book (along with 3 others) and started down the road of "loving me" education. Now I've heard this said before, and I'm like--yeah, yeah, sure...who doesn't love themselves?? But the reality is many, many woman don't and it shows in the men they choose as partners and the ways they allow themselves to be treated. Many of us have damaged self-esteem and are afraid to have standards, least we end up alone. I've really learned that alone is often a better place to be than stuck in an unhappy relationship, used or disrespected by any man!! I want to be a good example for my 3 daughters and for my son. And it all starts with liking and loving every part of who you are!

So, I put into effect many of the things I've learned from that book. Boundaries for my behavior and the behavior of those I associate with, not lying to myself to avoid seeing and dealing with uncomfortable situations, really having my eyes open to whats going on in my life; stop playing the victim role and be accountable for every aspect of my life. I'm realizing that I don't need to change who I am or deny my values and needs for any man and that I can't change him...I can only be responsible for changing myself. It has been a wonderful roller coaster! Looking into myself and learning why I behave and react as I have, and seeing the patterns of behavior in relationships that has emerged and seeing the dysfunction my childhood has caused has been so enlightening.

But the biggest ah-huh moment came when she talked about viewing ourselves as wheels of cheese. When we are born, the cheese is round and smooth, with no color and no holes. Then as we age and we experience painful events, mental and physical, the wheel of cheese that is us, ages and darkens...each experience manifests as a hole till we look like swiss cheese! Then she asked us to picture ourselves whole once again, forgiving everyone who caused that pain in us and just letting go of it! That was a truly enlightening experience for me. I pictured each person who I felt hurt by and visually and verbally let go...the lightness and happiness I felt from that act follows me still!

Now, I am far from perfect. But I'm OK with that. I am who I am, and most of who I am is pretty amazing. I have several things I am working on changing, but I like me. And I've never really felt that way before. Its nice being your own friend and treating yourself like you would any dear friend. I have stopped beating myself down...stopped scolding myself everytime something doesn't work out right. I would never do that to my other friends, I am their biggest supporters! Its about time I do that for ME! And I know that with all I've come to learn, when I do find that HE...the WE that we create will be loving, supportive, resilient and healthy. Its what we all deserve...

Been aWhile...

Yes, its been awhile since I've written...anything. My interest and attention span has vanished for the things I find grounding and insightful. That happens often when I've experienced deep pain...I shut down and grieve and don't leave my shell.
I went through a very tumultuous 8 weeks. I "met" someone who I connected with on a very deep level almost immediately. He was looking for a relationship, a partner to be with...at least that is what he said. I was very hesitant. I don't give of myself very easily...but it WAS easy...to talk to him, to listen to him to want to be with him. He called me several times a day, it was like we had always known each other, had always been this close. But exactly 1 week from the first all night talk, he changed. He said he finally took his head out of the clouds and saw reality. The calls became less and less, and his criticisms about how I spoke, how I hung up the phone, how stubborn I was, became more and more intense and he'd quickly become enraged and angered over things I said or how I said them....he'd already talked himself into this not working and he was working very hard at ensuring it didn't...
What was truly sad for me is that I agreed to let him in. To open myself and to be open to letting him see parts of me that others didn't. Especially when we met. That was where I was wrong. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to a stranger who really wasn't who I believed he was. His deep brown eyes said everything to me that he didn't allow himself to...we moved around each other like we had always been this couple...Smooth, flawless, a real dance of love and affection. I was honest with him, never unkind, always accepting of what he said...I even tried to change all the things he said were wrong about me! I wrote him and told him what I was feeling (I am better able to do that, than to talk about it) but he didn't get it. He couldn't because he wasn't going to allow himself to...he'd already decided it was over before it started.

When I think about how he treated me, I get angry. At myself.. for hoping and wishing and trying so hard. For believing that he would be convinced he was wrong especially if we could spend more time together. I booked a flight after he asked me to come on a weekend trip with him and some friends. Then he's angry because I "booked the flight too quickly". I know now that he really didn't want me to come. It became clearer and clearer that I would make 1 woman too many on the trip and in his life. So, yes he did Uninvite me and I'm stuck with a ticket and a broken heart realizing that this man who considers himself "a truly nice guy" really isn't very nice at all. Yet, I still believe there is something wrong with me even though the brain in me wonders why I should give someone the time of day who admittedly avoids/refuses my calls (see he made the mistake of pushing the wrong button, and proved my suspicions correct!), becomes angry over the way I say or answer a question and states that I don't trust him, then he refuses to talk about it, basically states- I'm not doing anything wrong, it is what it is, if you don't like it then walk.

Look at me....I'm walking...cause there is no "in the future" for me with someone who treats me so poorly and has me thinking I'm the problem.
Do I miss him? Yes. Is my heart aching? Yes. Do I wish he had chosen to be true to what we started? Yes. Do I miss him? Every minute of every day.
Will things ever be different between us? No. I am worth more than to be treated so badly.

I never go back.....