Been aWhile...

Yes, its been awhile since I've written...anything. My interest and attention span has vanished for the things I find grounding and insightful. That happens often when I've experienced deep pain...I shut down and grieve and don't leave my shell.
I went through a very tumultuous 8 weeks. I "met" someone who I connected with on a very deep level almost immediately. He was looking for a relationship, a partner to be with...at least that is what he said. I was very hesitant. I don't give of myself very easily...but it WAS easy...to talk to him, to listen to him to want to be with him. He called me several times a day, it was like we had always known each other, had always been this close. But exactly 1 week from the first all night talk, he changed. He said he finally took his head out of the clouds and saw reality. The calls became less and less, and his criticisms about how I spoke, how I hung up the phone, how stubborn I was, became more and more intense and he'd quickly become enraged and angered over things I said or how I said them....he'd already talked himself into this not working and he was working very hard at ensuring it didn't...
What was truly sad for me is that I agreed to let him in. To open myself and to be open to letting him see parts of me that others didn't. Especially when we met. That was where I was wrong. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to a stranger who really wasn't who I believed he was. His deep brown eyes said everything to me that he didn't allow himself to...we moved around each other like we had always been this couple...Smooth, flawless, a real dance of love and affection. I was honest with him, never unkind, always accepting of what he said...I even tried to change all the things he said were wrong about me! I wrote him and told him what I was feeling (I am better able to do that, than to talk about it) but he didn't get it. He couldn't because he wasn't going to allow himself to...he'd already decided it was over before it started.

When I think about how he treated me, I get angry. At myself.. for hoping and wishing and trying so hard. For believing that he would be convinced he was wrong especially if we could spend more time together. I booked a flight after he asked me to come on a weekend trip with him and some friends. Then he's angry because I "booked the flight too quickly". I know now that he really didn't want me to come. It became clearer and clearer that I would make 1 woman too many on the trip and in his life. So, yes he did Uninvite me and I'm stuck with a ticket and a broken heart realizing that this man who considers himself "a truly nice guy" really isn't very nice at all. Yet, I still believe there is something wrong with me even though the brain in me wonders why I should give someone the time of day who admittedly avoids/refuses my calls (see he made the mistake of pushing the wrong button, and proved my suspicions correct!), becomes angry over the way I say or answer a question and states that I don't trust him, then he refuses to talk about it, basically states- I'm not doing anything wrong, it is what it is, if you don't like it then walk.

Look at me....I'm walking...cause there is no "in the future" for me with someone who treats me so poorly and has me thinking I'm the problem.
Do I miss him? Yes. Is my heart aching? Yes. Do I wish he had chosen to be true to what we started? Yes. Do I miss him? Every minute of every day.
Will things ever be different between us? No. I am worth more than to be treated so badly.

I never go back.....