Easter Update

Wow its hard to believe that its almost the end of April 2011 already and that I haven't written anything for ages! Time really accelerates as you get older...blink and a year is past.

I have had a tremendous year! I am totally happy and in love with my best friend and partner, Jay. I am thankful each and everyday that I found him and that we fit so well together. We haven't been spending a lot of time together lately with my CIS job taking up center stage with getting Emanuel live on Epic. We are a month into that and things remain hectic and we have yet to finalize next month's schedule. I completed my 2 night shifts this weekend and things went fairly well, no huge issues that we couldn't handle which was nice. Thank goodness nights aren't going to be a consistent thing since I really do not like being up all night...takes me days to get back on track.

Jay took advantage of the time I would be sleeping during the day and rented another mondo camera lens and went to take pictures of the waterfowl at several different areas around the city. He got some great ones again and will be posting them soon. He takes such great photos. I wish we were able to manage a big lens with us on our trip the end of May to Utah. We are going to visit the 5 National Parks- Zion, Bryce Canyon, Coral Reefs, Canyonlands and Arches. I cannot wait for the sunshine and the warmth and the breath taking scenery we will be encountering! I know his pictures will be amazing and if we could manage the large lens, well...it would be over the top!! I know this trip will be life changing. You cannot help but be awed and inspired and humbled by the glory of nature at its finest here...I am moved to tears by the photos I've already seen online and in the travel books, seeing it in person will just blow me away! I hope to return next year with the kids and see the Grand Canyon as well. We decided not to do that part this time. We will go as far a Moab then back to Las Vegas for a couple days relaxation by the pool with a fruity drink and celebrate my 45th birthday in style! I can't wait!

So Easter was yesterday. It was the first Easter without the kids being home and that was weird. I had all the baskets prepared up in my room and Jay and I went to his lovely daughter Ashley's apt to have dinner with her, Doug, their friend Kimberly and her gorgeous little man, Camden and of course, Jay's son Ryan. We had a fabulous dinner! Ashley did a great job and it was so much fun playing with the little guy. He's 3 1/2 months old and just a little doll. After dropping Ryan off at home, we headed back here to the house to see my kids and give them their baskets. I walked up to the bedroom to get them and OH MY GOD---the baskets were strewn all over the bedroom, the grass scattered, the boxes of chocolate bunnies with chew marks on the corners and every single piece of chocolate was gone!! Every single one-including the wrappings! I couldn't believe it! Our 2 bloody dogs had completely descimated the stash! I could have killed them! And would have if they had torn up the concert tickets I bought to Bruno Mars for my 3 girls! Jay scrubbed the chocolate and colored candy coating stains from off the carpet while I put the baskets away and went to see if there was any vomit anywhere in the house. Never in the 5 years I've had Bosco had he ever done anything like that before. Both stood around in full awareness that we were totally miffed at them. Neither seems at all affected by their transgression even though chocolate is one of the most toxic things to dogs. Of course ours go unaffected!!! At least thats what we thought....

Jay woke up at 5:30 this morning and was scared lifeless...he nudged Dakota, his chocolate lab, to take him out to the bathroom and he appeared cold and unresponsive. Well that got us both awake in a hell of a hurry! I rushed and switched on the light and half ran to the dog, and the little booger was just deeply asleep! As soon as I touched him he popped his head up, licked me and got up. Poor Jay was hung over the bed sick with worry and trepidation that his beloved dog had died overnight after the gluttony of chocolate. Well, after the shock wore off, Jay still took a few hours to feel right, but Dakota was totally oblivious to the shock and stress he'd caused and continued to be his happy, tail wagging self. Bosco on the other hand this morning is leaking chocolate from both ends and I am having a hard time feeling sorry for him!! Little bugger! But, yes, I will keep a close watch on both of them and run them to the vet if they get worse.

Until then I am washing laundry, cleaning the kitchen and waiting to go to my Bikram Yoga class. I started going last week and I am enjoying it very much. I didn't think I would like it because its done in a room that is near 105 degrees and you sweat like mad. But I feel so much better after a 90 minute session...so limber yet exhausted. I focus ultra hard on correct form and pushing each stretch just a little further than the last time. Its more challenging almost than going to the gym and pumping weights. I still go to the gym on average 4 times per week. I have been concentrating on more cardio for weight loss (gained 15 lbs that I can't seem to shake, urgh!!) and will do weight training at least 2 of the 4 or 5 times I get to the gym, but I find the yoga to be a big workout for me. My muscles shake and the lengthening that it is forcing on my hamstrings and quads is helping to lean me out. I also feel so much mental clarity when doing the yoga. I focus on every moment, each breath and movement...its very centering and calming. I look forward to it each day and miss it when my schedule makes it impossible to attend. I hope Jay can work up to coming with me, I think it will be very beneficial to him.

Its almost the beginning of May and we have had 1 nice warm sunny day so far. I am tired of the grey and the rain...I want to be able to get the garden ready and to be outside in the warmth and sunshine! That is another reason the yoga appeals to me so much...its warm in there!!

Seriously, nothing makes me happier than colorful flowers growing in beautiful pots and veggies growing in good, nutritious soil. I can't wait to start gardening...but will have to it seems....oh well...better sign off and get ready to leave for yoga, at least I can pretend I'm lying outside on a beach chair with the sun shining down and drinking in the warmth!!

Love

This March I was lucky enough to find a wonderful man who seemed to have been created just for me. We have numerous things in common, from the appreciation for the same hockey team to love of photography, we seem to have been perfectly matched. Jay has been a great gift and I feel so comfortable with him, it feels like we have been together forever...

It leaves me to wonder, what was different this time versus the last few times I dated? I know a big thing was the fact that my heart and soul are ready. Ready to be open and willing to risk and to put myself out there with the hope of having a partner to share the rest of my life with. It has taken a very long time to get to that point, I thought I was there before, but something knew I really wasn't and those relationships did not last.

I believe another reason is because things just seem so easy and right with Jay. He is beautiful, funny, smart...always laughing, not afraid to tell me his feelings and his concerns...he is honest, never critical or disrespectful with me or those he has other dealings with...he is great with the kids- cares for them as much as he does for me and he has a lovely brown dog--Dakota whom I adore and love having around. We thrive on each others company, enjoy car trips to the beach or to Sunriver, bike riding in Portland and area, walking the dogs under the stars and just laying around talking to each other, sharing the news or watching hockey or football.

It is simply wonderful knowing that I don't have to be alone anymore. Knowing that there is a special someone to share the ups and the downs and to be with during the holidays and during the every day when life and kids happen. We work very well together, what I can't get done--he does and what he can't finish--I can...its a lovely dance that I look forward to doing for a very, very long time...

Mexico

This is a picture out of a dream I've had since I was a much younger woman. Blue sky, azure blue ocean, white sandy beach, palm trees swaying in the breeze...my vision of heaven.
I am finally making this dream a reality and leaving for Playa Del Carmen on Sunday morning with my daughter! All in the guise of celebrating her 20th birthday (which is, in fact, true), but in reality its a celebration of arrival for me. Its realizing that I can't keep putting things off, that life happens so quickly and if we keep waiting to see and do things till tomorrow, we'll never see or do them! The rest will work itself out, it always seems to..but the chance to walk this beach, feel the sand and the water against my toes, feel the ocean breeze against my skin, bask in the beauty that I've only dreamt of...that is what life is all about!



So I prepare for the trip...clothes, passports, cash..but what I really look forward to are the pictures. The images of the memories we'll have. The beach, the water, the resort, but mostly the people. I can't wait to see the life there. My daughter and I always do such non-tourist things. I think it we are more comfortable schmoozing with locals and hanging out in the off the beaten track places, than hanging at the resort being pampered. Getting to know how these people survive, what makes them different in attitude and values--that's what we want to know.

Its also an opportunity to get to know my daughter better. To spend some quality time learning more about her as a young woman, listening to what she sees her future being like. I hope she will see that living in the now rather than waiting till later, is the greatest gift to give yourself! Life plows by in the blink of an eye, and if someone had given me this advice at 20, I'd have lived a little differently...I hope she jumps at every opportunity and creates many for herself.
No fear, no regrets...live life like there is no tomorrow... to Mexico!!

Old Friends

Sometimes that blue sky peaks between the rain clouds when you least expect it. Then suddenly, you are starring a gift horse in the mouth and the sun is shining all over the place! My blue sky thru the rain clouds came in the form of an old friend. Someone I'd thought about occasionally, but never made any effort to contact for over 30 years. We were best friends in early grade school, shared a lot of common interests and an unfortunately common, dysfunctional home life. We were together every day for years and I remember crying so hard when he left I felt I would die...like a part of me had been physically removed. I'd never experienced a loss like it before and I hoped never to feel that again.

There was so much about him that I remember missing...his quiet acceptance of me--in any mood, in any circumstance, at any time, it didn't matter. His eyes were kind and soft and always admiring and supportive. The easy way we laughed together, at nothing in particular even, just being there together...laughing. Sharing an ice cream when the ice cream truck stopped on our street. Playing tag with the rest of the neighborhood kids at nighttime--he'd always let me find him first. How we could just sit and talk, or not talk, for hours...he was truly my best friend.




And now, thru some miraculous twist of fate, he's suddenly reappeared! At a time in my life when I've been searching to find out who I really am and what I really want, there he is! The boy I viewed as my one constant,(a mountain of stability, of compassion and caring, of real acceptance and trust) as a young girl who knew nothing but instability and unpredicability, has found his way back into my life as the wonderful man I knew he would become. What a joy to reconnect with him! To get reacquainted and to see that he hasn't really changed much from the young boy I adored...just a bit taller, more wrinkles, wiser. He is still compassionate, caring, open and accepting, non-judgemental and trusting. The only thing between us is distance, which we will bridge soon, and I will get to look into the eyes of this wonderful man and glimpse the boy he was and we will pick up where we left off...talking and laughing about everything, or nothing and just feeling safe and accepted...as we are...flawed and imperfect alone...but perfect together.

The Door Closes...but a Window is Opened

I marvel at the humor fate has...or is it God? I don't know the answer to that. But I do think that everything that happens to us, does so for a reason. A lesson we must learn, an experience we must have, a feeling we need to get in touch with again.

Six weeks ago, I was feeling hurt and confused. Angry at my stupidity and my vulnerability, ashamed of trusting someone too quickly. Weary of the battle to be someone I'm not...

So, I immerse myself in reading. Learning how to correct the mistakes I made. Searching for the secret to being happy and finding the right partner. Suddenly one night on the way home from work I tune the radio to 105.1. Its that stupid talk show with that chick who talks about loser men all the time, but something made me actually listen for a change. It brought me to the book "Choosing Me before We" by Christina Arylo. My answer slapped me right in the face...you need to love YOU before you can find and love HIM.

It was like a window to my soul had been opened and the fresh air was finally flooding in! I ordered that book (along with 3 others) and started down the road of "loving me" education. Now I've heard this said before, and I'm like--yeah, yeah, sure...who doesn't love themselves?? But the reality is many, many woman don't and it shows in the men they choose as partners and the ways they allow themselves to be treated. Many of us have damaged self-esteem and are afraid to have standards, least we end up alone. I've really learned that alone is often a better place to be than stuck in an unhappy relationship, used or disrespected by any man!! I want to be a good example for my 3 daughters and for my son. And it all starts with liking and loving every part of who you are!

So, I put into effect many of the things I've learned from that book. Boundaries for my behavior and the behavior of those I associate with, not lying to myself to avoid seeing and dealing with uncomfortable situations, really having my eyes open to whats going on in my life; stop playing the victim role and be accountable for every aspect of my life. I'm realizing that I don't need to change who I am or deny my values and needs for any man and that I can't change him...I can only be responsible for changing myself. It has been a wonderful roller coaster! Looking into myself and learning why I behave and react as I have, and seeing the patterns of behavior in relationships that has emerged and seeing the dysfunction my childhood has caused has been so enlightening.

But the biggest ah-huh moment came when she talked about viewing ourselves as wheels of cheese. When we are born, the cheese is round and smooth, with no color and no holes. Then as we age and we experience painful events, mental and physical, the wheel of cheese that is us, ages and darkens...each experience manifests as a hole till we look like swiss cheese! Then she asked us to picture ourselves whole once again, forgiving everyone who caused that pain in us and just letting go of it! That was a truly enlightening experience for me. I pictured each person who I felt hurt by and visually and verbally let go...the lightness and happiness I felt from that act follows me still!

Now, I am far from perfect. But I'm OK with that. I am who I am, and most of who I am is pretty amazing. I have several things I am working on changing, but I like me. And I've never really felt that way before. Its nice being your own friend and treating yourself like you would any dear friend. I have stopped beating myself down...stopped scolding myself everytime something doesn't work out right. I would never do that to my other friends, I am their biggest supporters! Its about time I do that for ME! And I know that with all I've come to learn, when I do find that HE...the WE that we create will be loving, supportive, resilient and healthy. Its what we all deserve...

Been aWhile...

Yes, its been awhile since I've written...anything. My interest and attention span has vanished for the things I find grounding and insightful. That happens often when I've experienced deep pain...I shut down and grieve and don't leave my shell.
I went through a very tumultuous 8 weeks. I "met" someone who I connected with on a very deep level almost immediately. He was looking for a relationship, a partner to be with...at least that is what he said. I was very hesitant. I don't give of myself very easily...but it WAS easy...to talk to him, to listen to him to want to be with him. He called me several times a day, it was like we had always known each other, had always been this close. But exactly 1 week from the first all night talk, he changed. He said he finally took his head out of the clouds and saw reality. The calls became less and less, and his criticisms about how I spoke, how I hung up the phone, how stubborn I was, became more and more intense and he'd quickly become enraged and angered over things I said or how I said them....he'd already talked himself into this not working and he was working very hard at ensuring it didn't...
What was truly sad for me is that I agreed to let him in. To open myself and to be open to letting him see parts of me that others didn't. Especially when we met. That was where I was wrong. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to a stranger who really wasn't who I believed he was. His deep brown eyes said everything to me that he didn't allow himself to...we moved around each other like we had always been this couple...Smooth, flawless, a real dance of love and affection. I was honest with him, never unkind, always accepting of what he said...I even tried to change all the things he said were wrong about me! I wrote him and told him what I was feeling (I am better able to do that, than to talk about it) but he didn't get it. He couldn't because he wasn't going to allow himself to...he'd already decided it was over before it started.

When I think about how he treated me, I get angry. At myself.. for hoping and wishing and trying so hard. For believing that he would be convinced he was wrong especially if we could spend more time together. I booked a flight after he asked me to come on a weekend trip with him and some friends. Then he's angry because I "booked the flight too quickly". I know now that he really didn't want me to come. It became clearer and clearer that I would make 1 woman too many on the trip and in his life. So, yes he did Uninvite me and I'm stuck with a ticket and a broken heart realizing that this man who considers himself "a truly nice guy" really isn't very nice at all. Yet, I still believe there is something wrong with me even though the brain in me wonders why I should give someone the time of day who admittedly avoids/refuses my calls (see he made the mistake of pushing the wrong button, and proved my suspicions correct!), becomes angry over the way I say or answer a question and states that I don't trust him, then he refuses to talk about it, basically states- I'm not doing anything wrong, it is what it is, if you don't like it then walk.

Look at me....I'm walking...cause there is no "in the future" for me with someone who treats me so poorly and has me thinking I'm the problem.
Do I miss him? Yes. Is my heart aching? Yes. Do I wish he had chosen to be true to what we started? Yes. Do I miss him? Every minute of every day.
Will things ever be different between us? No. I am worth more than to be treated so badly.

I never go back.....

Contentment

Sometimes we have realizations that glow thru the fog in our minds. A crack of light...of understand and appreciation. I am thankful for those. It helps me to refocus, to bring back what is truly important and worth while. Then I can let go of whatever I've been carrying and breath again...



I can feel the positivity rolling in, the happiness and hope coming back...Even if the clouds are grey and its pouring rain, I can have sunshine inside...especially when I see the smile on my child's face and hear the laughter fill my house. I can see and appreciate the beauty and the joy in those drops of rain, in the feel of the wind against my cheek cause I'm alive and because I can...




I can marvel at the colors and sounds of nature. They hold wonder and promise and when I hike to the top of the hill I can give thanks for being able to do and see these things. We see so little these days, are so busy with life and trudging thru each and every day! We are missing what is most important--the miracle and joy that is this earth, that is creation. As tiny as the toadstool on the path in the forest and as vast as the great Pacific Ocean...



I want to see all of it, hear it, smell it and taste it. I want my children to feel in awe of the people and the beauty we have here...to appreciate it and treasure it always. That is what I want to leave them with...