Graduation

Wow, it's hard to believe that it's been almost 2 years since I posted anything to my blog.  The speed at which time passes continues to amaze me and I struggled with trying to organize where to start.
I decided to start with one of the major events of this year...Graduation!!

2013 was a busy and exciting year for us.  Deza graduated from Wilsonville High School and Lindzay graduated from Portland State University with a degree in Mechanical Engineering.  Can you say "Momma SO proud?!".

Lindzay and Deza in cap and gown for pictures at Deza's grad. 

Sisters graduating the same year.

 Lindzay currently works with Lance Air in Canby as a Design Engineer and she is hoping to get on with them as a permanent employee.  Lindzay still lives in Wilsonville with her boyfriend, Javier, who is equally as proud of her as we are!

Lindzay and Javier

Sista and Bro...hanging

 Part of the tradition of picture taking is that there has to be some silly and playful shots.  None of the kids need any prompting to be goofy!  Deza decided to ride her sister and eat the tassel off her cap...always out for a laugh and good times!

WHS has started holding graduation at Rolling Hills Chapel rather than the school so we were able to go to Athey Middle school across the street and take some pictures before the ceremony. We were lucky to find this lovely tree that provided shade with minimal shadows in the hot afternoon sun. The pictures turned out very well.

Grama Carroll, Deza and Auntie Nancy

As is the tradition, Grama Carroll and Auntie Nan came to Wilsonville for the ceremony. Carroll has been to all 3 graduations and we love seeing her and Nancy.  That's another sucky part of divorce, you lose contact with those who matter most to you. I miss them very much and enjoyed being able to spend a small amount of time with them.

Dale, Lindzay, Deza and I

With this graduation, we have but 1 left within the public school system.  I can't express how proud I am of my girls.  Deza is enrolled at Clackamas Community College and has enough AP credits to start as a Sophomore meaning she will have about 1 year of classes and she can transfer to PSU. She wants to take Environmental Engineering.  I know she will excel at anything she puts her mind too and who knows, if the engineering thing doesn't work out, she can have a lucrative career as a movie critic!!

As A Student...

So I passed my first college class and it was one of my most challenging subjects--math.  I worked very hard and went through an entire yellow legal tablet with cyphering and it paid off!  I am very proud of myself and I actually look forward to the next Algebra class which I hope to start in December.  Returning to school has proven to be a great decision for me.  Passing this class has boosted my confidence and made me feel like I'm not as dumb as I thought I was.  Struggling with algebra has always been the norm for me and now I understand why my Deza enjoys it so much.  I can create word problems! ME! Something I failed at consistently all through school.  Now I find myself opening my math exercise book to tackle a few problems just for fun...crazy, I know! But I honestly enjoy it now. I don't feel intimidated or frustrated and I feel the change in my attitude about myself and what I am capable of learning and doing.  I still have many months and even years before my degree is complete, but this first win has bolstered my confidence. I'm looking forward to tackling Human Physiology.

Willamette Writers Conference

I attended my first writers conference last weekend and loved it!  It was exciting (so many published, respected authors in one place just to SHARE what they know with pee-on mortals like me!!), nerve wracking (how can I possibly write as good as they do, let alone well enough to get published?), humbling (it really is terribly hard finding your voice) and exhilarating (these authors are investing in us, sharing their knowledge and wealth of experience to help us reach our goals).

I was walking on air.  I attended workshops by Eric Witchey, Leigh Ann Jasheway (first improv class I ever took), Jill Kelly (best information on self editing), Bob Dugoni & Halli Ephron (absolutely invaluable classes), and the most inspiring to me, Lidia Yuknavitch. She was the most real, the most open, the one who spoke to me the most.  Funny thing was, I wasn't even going to take her workshop. I was supposed to be taking another one by Dugoni, but something drew me into her room.



This wonderful woman writes with prose so beautiful it cuts through to your soul. Its honest, its poetic, is visually stunning and its painful...I hope to write a fraction a well as she does.  I bought her book, The Chronology of Water, and am devouring every word. I recommend you go get it too.  It will touch you, move you, shock you and change you... I would love to take a writing class from her.


Honestly, I learned more in 2 days of workshops than I could learn in 2 years of struggling on my own.  The next conference runs from August 3-5 of 2012 & I will be there, hopefully with manuscripts in hand and pitches to give.  Wish me luck!

Vacation

What a great week I've had so far.  Jay, myself, Bryson, Deza and Tici (along with Bosco and Dakota) have just spent 8 days in Limerick with Lynette and Tim.  It was awesome! Days spent sitting outside in the sunshine, reading my books and magazines, visiting with family and just relaxing...just a fabulous way to spend time.  It was so great to see Lynette healthy and happy, what a blessing! My mom, sister, niece and nephews also came down for a visit for a couple of days as well as my Aunt, Uncle and cousin's daughter.  We had a great time!

Jay got to play golf, go for a gopher shoot and participate in the 2nd biannual lawn mower races! Pictures will be posted soon.  

We have spent the last 2 days in Banff and Lake Louise, AB and are now packing up to head for Fairmont Hot Springs overnight.  We have been lucky enough to see black bears, a ram and nanny, bull elk and some deer and hope to see a moose or a wolf.  We head home tomorrow and will be relaxed and happy.

What's New

I haven't written anything for a while and always feel negligent when I don't post.  Although I have been writing, its been in my notebook and my Morning Write papers.  I just don't seem to have enough hours in the day to complete everything I want to.  Why is it that the older I get, the quicker the days go by?  I think its a cruel spin on things to take so long to "grow up" and then life speeds on by just when you're old enough to finally enjoy things!

On that note, I will say that I am finally checking a few items off my bucket "to-do" list.  Last week I finally enrolled in Western Governers University in the RN-MSN in Nursing Education course.  I have had this on my list to accomplish for at least 20 years and have finally decided that now is the right time to go for it.  Thanks in large part to my wonderful man, Jay, whose support and love has allowed me to feel confident and comfortable enough to actually achieve this goal for myself.  I would never be able to manage all the responsibilities of work, home, kids and school without him.  Also with Jay's support and encouragement, I have taken to writing seriously again.  I will even be attending the Williamette Writer's Conference in August.  I am very excited about this opportunity.  I have written stories, poems, songs, memoirs since 4th grade. Writing is my way of coping and working through things, my way of processing events, sharing things that I've done, places I've seen and daydreaming.  I am excited about the possibility of actually publishing some of my works.  What I would really like to do is freelance travel writing with Jay doing the photography. We would have so much fun with that and would finally get to see places we've always wanted to see!

So, its very important that another 8 hours be added onto every day!  Anyone know how to do that??!!

Zion Day 2 May 25, 2011

Zion National Park 

 

 One of the first things you notice about Zion is, of course, the massive rocks jutting up from the ground against the bright, blue sky. Sculpted and fierce, they inspire oooh and aaahs and cause you to wonder about the forces that carved them.  Truly remarkable examples of the power of wind, water, and freezing temperatures...all have a part in the creation of these monoliths. All done thru the fleeting passage of time...before our very eyes.

Along with the blue sky and monolith rock formations are the lush green plants and trees.  Zion reminds me of the Garden of Eden with the bounty of green foliage.  The green is so bright set against the rust red of the rock...the depth and variety of colors makes me wish I had the talent to paint this.  I'll just have to be happy with Jay's wonderful photography skills to capture and print in all its glory. 

Waterfall seen from Riverside Walk

I must have walked around here with my mouth open for most of the day during this walk.  Every corner we turned around I was in awe of the pure enormity of the rocks, the rich reds and tans and the contrast of the green trees and grass.  I felt like a kid discovering a treasured secret.

Cut outs like this one are caused by the freezing and thawing cycle and the water seeping thru the sandstone which eventually weakens and pieces sheer off.  The plants find places within the crevices to take hold and grow and, in this instance, a little pond has formed below as well. You can see where the rock remains wet with the melting water seeping thru.

Jay getting set up to take a shot.  He's just so cute!

The Virgin River is responsible for carving most of Zion and this year it is very active.  It is the highest its been for this time of year in over a decade and it is definitely a force to respect.  In fact, The Narrows, which is the hike that continues on from the Riverwalk is currently closed since the river is so high and fierce. What a beautiful site it is! 

These are little cairns are built and left by people in memory of those they have lost.  There were hundreds lining the river.  Apparently its expected that the rise of the river with wash them away as time passes...

My cairn in memory of people dear to us that have passed on.

Jay with his tripod right on the edge of the river taking shots of the white water.  He has learned to take some great water picture in the photography classes he is taking.

This is a great example of the forces of wind and ice on this rock face.  The numerous grooves are almost like the life circles of trees

Rock climber--yes, there was quite a crowd watching

We had a great time in Zion.  We are looking forward to returning with the kids and spending a lot more time hiking and exploring the wonder and beauty we found there.  Who knows, we may even get up enough nerve to do Angel's Landing!

Springdale and Zion National Park, UT May 24th, 2011

We landed in Las Vegas, obtained our rental car (Jeep Patriot) and immediately headed on our way to Springdale.  We wanted to get there in time to see Zion at sunset if possible.  As we drove along I-15, I was blown away by the rock formations and was blowing up the camera taking shots from inside the car.  My little Sony is a truly amazing little camera and I got some wonderful shots moving at 75 miles an hour!  This pictures shows how the rocks just seem to swallow you up!

The Majesty of the mountainous rock formation is such a humbling thing to behold...









We arrived in Springdale in the evening of the 24th and were filled with anticipation.  Once we found our hotel, The Red Rock Inn, and checked in, we started snapping away at the amazing landscape that this little town nestles down into.  With the setting sun, the rocks just come alive with brilliant color!

 

We checked into our room and were happily surprised at how nice it was; complete with a jacuzzi that Jay specifically requested.  We decided to leave the unpacking to later, go and grab a quick bite and head to the park

To get up to the park, we had to take the shuttle that runs every 10-20 minutes from several stops in Springdale. From spring to fall, private vehicles are not allowed on Scenic Drive.  It was nice to just sit back and watch the scenery and marvel once again at the brilliant rock formations jutting to the heavens. I recall just wanting to back time up a few hours so we would have more of it to see and enjoy everything this marvel of nature has to show us.

Since our time was limited we decided to take the easy, 1/2 hour hike to Weeping Rock. Since Weeping Rock is the 3rd to final stop along the route, we had time to enjoy the view.  It  was awe-inspiring!  The majestic rock walls were amass with vivid colors in the setting sun. Yellows, ivory, tans......

brick, clay, emerald greens.... like we've never seen. What a gift to the eyes and the imagination. Zion really is an Eden.  Trees and plants and flowers grow and bloom in places that defy gravity; clinging to crevasses and rock overshoots. The lushness of it all depicts the power of the will to live and the bounty of the Virgin River.

We arrived at the Weeping Rock stop and read about the history of the geology of it.
"A dripping spring feeds the hanging garden of ferns and mosses at Weeping Rock.  Seeps and springs are part of a pattern in Zion Canyon; hanging gardens flourish along the Emerald Pools and Riverside Walk.
Because the cliffs' Navajo sandstone is porous, it acts as a vertical reservoir.  Snowmelt percolates down through the sandstone.  When it reaches an impermeable layer of siltstone, the moisture travels along cracks until it emerges from the canyon walls, punctuating the cliffs with damp micro-habitats. Life concentrates in those green niches."





And concentrates it does! The photo below is the ledge that is Weeping Rock.  The water marks and the green growth are very apparent.

...the bridge we crossed over to start the hike.  What a nice walkway down to the creek and a cute little overlook!

Weeping Rock

The underside of Weeping Rock.  The seeping water looks like rain and again, the green growth is abundant.  What you can't see or hear are the sounds of the bullfrogs in the little pond down from Weeping Rock and the numerous mosquitoes that we were totally unprepared for!






Unfortunately, the darkness came quicker than we were ready for and the above mentioned mosquitos were relentless!  We cut our photography session short and hurried to make it back to the shuttle pick up spot.  The short amount of time spent here has just increased our excitement about returning tomorrow. Where will we go? See the Emerald Pools? Hike Angel's Landing?  Only tomorrow will tell!

16 Hours and Counting

The clock is finally on the downward slide towards vacation nirvana!  Seems like we have been planning this trip for months and that it would never get here...but it is so very close now!  I am giddy with the anticipation of my own reaction to the beauty that we will encounter in Utah.  So much natural wonder in a relatively small area that we don't even know is there unless we search it out.  I vaguely remember seeing the odd picture of the Arches and the Hoodoos, but it was a fleeting "wow- that's really cool!".  Not really anything that touched me in any way or made me really want to see it.  I think I finally googled Zion National Park and was literally blown away by the images on the screen. Then I checked out Bryce Canyon (I remember seeing pictures in Jay's photography magazine) and knew I needed to see this.  Finally I took out a map and I am still amazed at the sheer volume of state and national parks in the state of Utah.  Initially our trip was going to be the Utah Grand Circle Tour which would have been wonderful, but exhausting.  We opted to go as far as Moab and back to LV.  It will still be pretty taxing, but we hope to get a small sampling of things and then go back with the kids next year.  I can't wait!

Parenting 20 somethings

So, since when does posting important information on Facebook supercede the courtesy of a conversation with your mother?? I guess when the person happens to by my 21 year old daughter.  I found out by logging into FB that she has rented an apt with her boyfriend!  I knew she was thinking about it and hoped to do it before the summer, but how hard would it have been to call and let good ol' mom know that the deed was done?
I am amazed at the lack of consideration this shows and angry at consistently being shut out of what's going on with her.  Obviously this has been a tone between the 2 of us for some time and I should be used to always being the last to know things...would be nice to be part of the loop.

Easter Update

Wow its hard to believe that its almost the end of April 2011 already and that I haven't written anything for ages! Time really accelerates as you get older...blink and a year is past.

I have had a tremendous year! I am totally happy and in love with my best friend and partner, Jay. I am thankful each and everyday that I found him and that we fit so well together. We haven't been spending a lot of time together lately with my CIS job taking up center stage with getting Emanuel live on Epic. We are a month into that and things remain hectic and we have yet to finalize next month's schedule. I completed my 2 night shifts this weekend and things went fairly well, no huge issues that we couldn't handle which was nice. Thank goodness nights aren't going to be a consistent thing since I really do not like being up all night...takes me days to get back on track.

Jay took advantage of the time I would be sleeping during the day and rented another mondo camera lens and went to take pictures of the waterfowl at several different areas around the city. He got some great ones again and will be posting them soon. He takes such great photos. I wish we were able to manage a big lens with us on our trip the end of May to Utah. We are going to visit the 5 National Parks- Zion, Bryce Canyon, Coral Reefs, Canyonlands and Arches. I cannot wait for the sunshine and the warmth and the breath taking scenery we will be encountering! I know his pictures will be amazing and if we could manage the large lens, well...it would be over the top!! I know this trip will be life changing. You cannot help but be awed and inspired and humbled by the glory of nature at its finest here...I am moved to tears by the photos I've already seen online and in the travel books, seeing it in person will just blow me away! I hope to return next year with the kids and see the Grand Canyon as well. We decided not to do that part this time. We will go as far a Moab then back to Las Vegas for a couple days relaxation by the pool with a fruity drink and celebrate my 45th birthday in style! I can't wait!

So Easter was yesterday. It was the first Easter without the kids being home and that was weird. I had all the baskets prepared up in my room and Jay and I went to his lovely daughter Ashley's apt to have dinner with her, Doug, their friend Kimberly and her gorgeous little man, Camden and of course, Jay's son Ryan. We had a fabulous dinner! Ashley did a great job and it was so much fun playing with the little guy. He's 3 1/2 months old and just a little doll. After dropping Ryan off at home, we headed back here to the house to see my kids and give them their baskets. I walked up to the bedroom to get them and OH MY GOD---the baskets were strewn all over the bedroom, the grass scattered, the boxes of chocolate bunnies with chew marks on the corners and every single piece of chocolate was gone!! Every single one-including the wrappings! I couldn't believe it! Our 2 bloody dogs had completely descimated the stash! I could have killed them! And would have if they had torn up the concert tickets I bought to Bruno Mars for my 3 girls! Jay scrubbed the chocolate and colored candy coating stains from off the carpet while I put the baskets away and went to see if there was any vomit anywhere in the house. Never in the 5 years I've had Bosco had he ever done anything like that before. Both stood around in full awareness that we were totally miffed at them. Neither seems at all affected by their transgression even though chocolate is one of the most toxic things to dogs. Of course ours go unaffected!!! At least thats what we thought....

Jay woke up at 5:30 this morning and was scared lifeless...he nudged Dakota, his chocolate lab, to take him out to the bathroom and he appeared cold and unresponsive. Well that got us both awake in a hell of a hurry! I rushed and switched on the light and half ran to the dog, and the little booger was just deeply asleep! As soon as I touched him he popped his head up, licked me and got up. Poor Jay was hung over the bed sick with worry and trepidation that his beloved dog had died overnight after the gluttony of chocolate. Well, after the shock wore off, Jay still took a few hours to feel right, but Dakota was totally oblivious to the shock and stress he'd caused and continued to be his happy, tail wagging self. Bosco on the other hand this morning is leaking chocolate from both ends and I am having a hard time feeling sorry for him!! Little bugger! But, yes, I will keep a close watch on both of them and run them to the vet if they get worse.

Until then I am washing laundry, cleaning the kitchen and waiting to go to my Bikram Yoga class. I started going last week and I am enjoying it very much. I didn't think I would like it because its done in a room that is near 105 degrees and you sweat like mad. But I feel so much better after a 90 minute session...so limber yet exhausted. I focus ultra hard on correct form and pushing each stretch just a little further than the last time. Its more challenging almost than going to the gym and pumping weights. I still go to the gym on average 4 times per week. I have been concentrating on more cardio for weight loss (gained 15 lbs that I can't seem to shake, urgh!!) and will do weight training at least 2 of the 4 or 5 times I get to the gym, but I find the yoga to be a big workout for me. My muscles shake and the lengthening that it is forcing on my hamstrings and quads is helping to lean me out. I also feel so much mental clarity when doing the yoga. I focus on every moment, each breath and movement...its very centering and calming. I look forward to it each day and miss it when my schedule makes it impossible to attend. I hope Jay can work up to coming with me, I think it will be very beneficial to him.

Its almost the beginning of May and we have had 1 nice warm sunny day so far. I am tired of the grey and the rain...I want to be able to get the garden ready and to be outside in the warmth and sunshine! That is another reason the yoga appeals to me so much...its warm in there!!

Seriously, nothing makes me happier than colorful flowers growing in beautiful pots and veggies growing in good, nutritious soil. I can't wait to start gardening...but will have to it seems....oh well...better sign off and get ready to leave for yoga, at least I can pretend I'm lying outside on a beach chair with the sun shining down and drinking in the warmth!!

Love

This March I was lucky enough to find a wonderful man who seemed to have been created just for me. We have numerous things in common, from the appreciation for the same hockey team to love of photography, we seem to have been perfectly matched. Jay has been a great gift and I feel so comfortable with him, it feels like we have been together forever...

It leaves me to wonder, what was different this time versus the last few times I dated? I know a big thing was the fact that my heart and soul are ready. Ready to be open and willing to risk and to put myself out there with the hope of having a partner to share the rest of my life with. It has taken a very long time to get to that point, I thought I was there before, but something knew I really wasn't and those relationships did not last.

I believe another reason is because things just seem so easy and right with Jay. He is beautiful, funny, smart...always laughing, not afraid to tell me his feelings and his concerns...he is honest, never critical or disrespectful with me or those he has other dealings with...he is great with the kids- cares for them as much as he does for me and he has a lovely brown dog--Dakota whom I adore and love having around. We thrive on each others company, enjoy car trips to the beach or to Sunriver, bike riding in Portland and area, walking the dogs under the stars and just laying around talking to each other, sharing the news or watching hockey or football.

It is simply wonderful knowing that I don't have to be alone anymore. Knowing that there is a special someone to share the ups and the downs and to be with during the holidays and during the every day when life and kids happen. We work very well together, what I can't get done--he does and what he can't finish--I can...its a lovely dance that I look forward to doing for a very, very long time...

Mexico

This is a picture out of a dream I've had since I was a much younger woman. Blue sky, azure blue ocean, white sandy beach, palm trees swaying in the breeze...my vision of heaven.
I am finally making this dream a reality and leaving for Playa Del Carmen on Sunday morning with my daughter! All in the guise of celebrating her 20th birthday (which is, in fact, true), but in reality its a celebration of arrival for me. Its realizing that I can't keep putting things off, that life happens so quickly and if we keep waiting to see and do things till tomorrow, we'll never see or do them! The rest will work itself out, it always seems to..but the chance to walk this beach, feel the sand and the water against my toes, feel the ocean breeze against my skin, bask in the beauty that I've only dreamt of...that is what life is all about!



So I prepare for the trip...clothes, passports, cash..but what I really look forward to are the pictures. The images of the memories we'll have. The beach, the water, the resort, but mostly the people. I can't wait to see the life there. My daughter and I always do such non-tourist things. I think it we are more comfortable schmoozing with locals and hanging out in the off the beaten track places, than hanging at the resort being pampered. Getting to know how these people survive, what makes them different in attitude and values--that's what we want to know.

Its also an opportunity to get to know my daughter better. To spend some quality time learning more about her as a young woman, listening to what she sees her future being like. I hope she will see that living in the now rather than waiting till later, is the greatest gift to give yourself! Life plows by in the blink of an eye, and if someone had given me this advice at 20, I'd have lived a little differently...I hope she jumps at every opportunity and creates many for herself.
No fear, no regrets...live life like there is no tomorrow... to Mexico!!

Old Friends

Sometimes that blue sky peaks between the rain clouds when you least expect it. Then suddenly, you are starring a gift horse in the mouth and the sun is shining all over the place! My blue sky thru the rain clouds came in the form of an old friend. Someone I'd thought about occasionally, but never made any effort to contact for over 30 years. We were best friends in early grade school, shared a lot of common interests and an unfortunately common, dysfunctional home life. We were together every day for years and I remember crying so hard when he left I felt I would die...like a part of me had been physically removed. I'd never experienced a loss like it before and I hoped never to feel that again.

There was so much about him that I remember missing...his quiet acceptance of me--in any mood, in any circumstance, at any time, it didn't matter. His eyes were kind and soft and always admiring and supportive. The easy way we laughed together, at nothing in particular even, just being there together...laughing. Sharing an ice cream when the ice cream truck stopped on our street. Playing tag with the rest of the neighborhood kids at nighttime--he'd always let me find him first. How we could just sit and talk, or not talk, for hours...he was truly my best friend.




And now, thru some miraculous twist of fate, he's suddenly reappeared! At a time in my life when I've been searching to find out who I really am and what I really want, there he is! The boy I viewed as my one constant,(a mountain of stability, of compassion and caring, of real acceptance and trust) as a young girl who knew nothing but instability and unpredicability, has found his way back into my life as the wonderful man I knew he would become. What a joy to reconnect with him! To get reacquainted and to see that he hasn't really changed much from the young boy I adored...just a bit taller, more wrinkles, wiser. He is still compassionate, caring, open and accepting, non-judgemental and trusting. The only thing between us is distance, which we will bridge soon, and I will get to look into the eyes of this wonderful man and glimpse the boy he was and we will pick up where we left off...talking and laughing about everything, or nothing and just feeling safe and accepted...as we are...flawed and imperfect alone...but perfect together.

The Door Closes...but a Window is Opened

I marvel at the humor fate has...or is it God? I don't know the answer to that. But I do think that everything that happens to us, does so for a reason. A lesson we must learn, an experience we must have, a feeling we need to get in touch with again.

Six weeks ago, I was feeling hurt and confused. Angry at my stupidity and my vulnerability, ashamed of trusting someone too quickly. Weary of the battle to be someone I'm not...

So, I immerse myself in reading. Learning how to correct the mistakes I made. Searching for the secret to being happy and finding the right partner. Suddenly one night on the way home from work I tune the radio to 105.1. Its that stupid talk show with that chick who talks about loser men all the time, but something made me actually listen for a change. It brought me to the book "Choosing Me before We" by Christina Arylo. My answer slapped me right in the face...you need to love YOU before you can find and love HIM.

It was like a window to my soul had been opened and the fresh air was finally flooding in! I ordered that book (along with 3 others) and started down the road of "loving me" education. Now I've heard this said before, and I'm like--yeah, yeah, sure...who doesn't love themselves?? But the reality is many, many woman don't and it shows in the men they choose as partners and the ways they allow themselves to be treated. Many of us have damaged self-esteem and are afraid to have standards, least we end up alone. I've really learned that alone is often a better place to be than stuck in an unhappy relationship, used or disrespected by any man!! I want to be a good example for my 3 daughters and for my son. And it all starts with liking and loving every part of who you are!

So, I put into effect many of the things I've learned from that book. Boundaries for my behavior and the behavior of those I associate with, not lying to myself to avoid seeing and dealing with uncomfortable situations, really having my eyes open to whats going on in my life; stop playing the victim role and be accountable for every aspect of my life. I'm realizing that I don't need to change who I am or deny my values and needs for any man and that I can't change him...I can only be responsible for changing myself. It has been a wonderful roller coaster! Looking into myself and learning why I behave and react as I have, and seeing the patterns of behavior in relationships that has emerged and seeing the dysfunction my childhood has caused has been so enlightening.

But the biggest ah-huh moment came when she talked about viewing ourselves as wheels of cheese. When we are born, the cheese is round and smooth, with no color and no holes. Then as we age and we experience painful events, mental and physical, the wheel of cheese that is us, ages and darkens...each experience manifests as a hole till we look like swiss cheese! Then she asked us to picture ourselves whole once again, forgiving everyone who caused that pain in us and just letting go of it! That was a truly enlightening experience for me. I pictured each person who I felt hurt by and visually and verbally let go...the lightness and happiness I felt from that act follows me still!

Now, I am far from perfect. But I'm OK with that. I am who I am, and most of who I am is pretty amazing. I have several things I am working on changing, but I like me. And I've never really felt that way before. Its nice being your own friend and treating yourself like you would any dear friend. I have stopped beating myself down...stopped scolding myself everytime something doesn't work out right. I would never do that to my other friends, I am their biggest supporters! Its about time I do that for ME! And I know that with all I've come to learn, when I do find that HE...the WE that we create will be loving, supportive, resilient and healthy. Its what we all deserve...

Been aWhile...

Yes, its been awhile since I've written...anything. My interest and attention span has vanished for the things I find grounding and insightful. That happens often when I've experienced deep pain...I shut down and grieve and don't leave my shell.
I went through a very tumultuous 8 weeks. I "met" someone who I connected with on a very deep level almost immediately. He was looking for a relationship, a partner to be with...at least that is what he said. I was very hesitant. I don't give of myself very easily...but it WAS easy...to talk to him, to listen to him to want to be with him. He called me several times a day, it was like we had always known each other, had always been this close. But exactly 1 week from the first all night talk, he changed. He said he finally took his head out of the clouds and saw reality. The calls became less and less, and his criticisms about how I spoke, how I hung up the phone, how stubborn I was, became more and more intense and he'd quickly become enraged and angered over things I said or how I said them....he'd already talked himself into this not working and he was working very hard at ensuring it didn't...
What was truly sad for me is that I agreed to let him in. To open myself and to be open to letting him see parts of me that others didn't. Especially when we met. That was where I was wrong. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to a stranger who really wasn't who I believed he was. His deep brown eyes said everything to me that he didn't allow himself to...we moved around each other like we had always been this couple...Smooth, flawless, a real dance of love and affection. I was honest with him, never unkind, always accepting of what he said...I even tried to change all the things he said were wrong about me! I wrote him and told him what I was feeling (I am better able to do that, than to talk about it) but he didn't get it. He couldn't because he wasn't going to allow himself to...he'd already decided it was over before it started.

When I think about how he treated me, I get angry. At myself.. for hoping and wishing and trying so hard. For believing that he would be convinced he was wrong especially if we could spend more time together. I booked a flight after he asked me to come on a weekend trip with him and some friends. Then he's angry because I "booked the flight too quickly". I know now that he really didn't want me to come. It became clearer and clearer that I would make 1 woman too many on the trip and in his life. So, yes he did Uninvite me and I'm stuck with a ticket and a broken heart realizing that this man who considers himself "a truly nice guy" really isn't very nice at all. Yet, I still believe there is something wrong with me even though the brain in me wonders why I should give someone the time of day who admittedly avoids/refuses my calls (see he made the mistake of pushing the wrong button, and proved my suspicions correct!), becomes angry over the way I say or answer a question and states that I don't trust him, then he refuses to talk about it, basically states- I'm not doing anything wrong, it is what it is, if you don't like it then walk.

Look at me....I'm walking...cause there is no "in the future" for me with someone who treats me so poorly and has me thinking I'm the problem.
Do I miss him? Yes. Is my heart aching? Yes. Do I wish he had chosen to be true to what we started? Yes. Do I miss him? Every minute of every day.
Will things ever be different between us? No. I am worth more than to be treated so badly.

I never go back.....